I'm Just a Guy

It has recently come to my attention that members of the opposite sex (namely women) believe a man’s wants and desires can be boiled down to three things – food, a clean house and “well...you know.”

(No we don’t know. We’re men. You need to spell it out for us. If you mean “intimacy without much cuddling, given at a moment’s notice, not caring that Little Johnny has a temperature of 103 and has been blowing chunks all day,” then just say so.)

Why anyone would think all men can be categorized so simply, I haven’t a clue. But that’s what I recently read. I’m not exactly sure where I read it (The Mt. Pleasant Daily Tribune); or who wrote it (Amber Cullen); or when precisely I read it (Wednesday, Aug. 27, 2008 at 6:37 p.m. while sitting on my couch, during a Wheel of Fortune commercial break), but read it I did.

Being a man, and knowing I’m a better judge of what men REALLY want (better than any non-man could ever hope to be) I humbly submit the following rebuttal:

Yes! We want food, but we’re not so shallow as to want just any old food you can throw at us. We want Pot Roast, slow cooked all day and smothered in gravy, freshly picked green beans, a baked potato with all the trimmings, a cold glass of our favorite beverage, and for dessert, a heaping bowl of homemade apple cobbler with vanilla ice cream on top.

Being a thoughtful species, we men know it’s impossible to expect the above meal every night. That’s why, every now and then, we wouldn’t mind coming home to Flank Steak, medium well, so juicy and tender we groan in ecstasy with every bite, freshly picked corn on the cob, a baked potato with all the trimmings, a cold glass of our favorite beverage, and for dessert, a slice of chocolate cake, double layered, with homemade chocolate icing whipped up within the past hour.

But honestly, in a crunch, we men will settle for a thick crust, double stuffed, super-duper large Supreme Pizza with extra everything, a double order of bread sticks on the side, a cold glass of our favorite beverage, and for dessert, a “Papa Bowl” of double chocolate-chip ice cream with chocolate syrup dribbled on top.

Have you noticed that desserts are very important to men? I knew you would. But now, let’s move on to the next item – a clean house.

Basically, we men could care less if the house is clean. As long as we can get through the door, find the remote, relax in our recliner, and not have to hunt for the newspaper, we’re more or less happy campers. But when women decide to go out in the garage and do some “cleaning up” because they think the tool chest would be more easily accessible by the door instead of where it’s been for years (somewhere in the corner under 15 years worth of National Geographics, I think), then we might have something to say about it – especially if we’ve already been fed.

A man’s house may be his castle, but a man’s garage is his life, his sanctuary, his reason for being who he is. With a garage, well-kept or not, a man can be anything he wants or dreams. Without a garage, he’s only half a man – with one half wanting a Harley, and the other half lamenting the fact there’s no place to park it.

Finally, we come to the most misunderstood “want” that a man can want. A want so ingrained in the male psyche that to deny him of it would be tantamount to ripping out his soul, throwing it to the floor and stomping the ever-loving life out of it. That’s right, we’re talking about the male desire to own a 52-inch Plasma HD TV with Dolby High Definition Surround Sound (with the optional Oprah “block” built right in), plugged into a 575-channel cable service that can beam into our home 574 sports channels from around the world, with one channel left over for whatever the wife thinks she needs.

So, as you can see, men are much more complicated than they seem to be. And next time you read any differently, read it with an ounce of skepticism. Why? Because I said so.

Tracy Farr is a teacher living in East Texas and drives a school bus for the fun of it. In his spare time he plays the banjo, but never on Thursdays. You can reach him at tracyfarr@stinkycreektexas.com or read more of his stories at www.stinkycreektexas.com.