I'm Just A Guy

Do you understand kids today? Of course you don’t. Nobody does. And don’t sit there and pretend you do.

You and I both know that young people are really aliens from outer space and that they are here to take over. We might as well just throw up our arms and yell, “Take me to your leader.”

First and foremost, never teach your children how to use the TV remote. The remote is the key to staying in control of your kingdom. With it, your favorite shows like CSI, Lost and The Late Show with David Letterman are only a click away. Once your children learn they can make the TV do their bidding by wielding the remote like an electronic wand, you’ll be relegated to watching Hannah Montana, That’s So Raven and The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.

Is that anyway to spend the remaining years of your life? I don’t think so, and neither do you.

Second, never divulge the password for gaining access to the family computer. The password is the only thing that stands between a teenager and unlimited knowledge of the universe as Wikipedia sees it. And once that knowledge is within their grasp, your days of being in charge are written in the stars.

One day you’ll be rushing home, desperate to finish a project that has a finite deadline (let’s say, writing a column for the local newspaper), and sitting in front of your PowerMac will be your teenager sending messages to their Facebook pseudo-friends who live in places like Boise, Bangor, and Baton Rouge.

You’ll demand to have access to the Mac. They’ll ask for one more minute. You’ll grudgingly agree because that will give you time to pour a cup of coffee. “One more minute” turns into 45, and with each passing minute the ideas you had while driving home will ooze out your ear, drip down the front of your button-up shirt and splatter on the floor like spaghetti sauce.

It’s best not to give them the password until they are living on their own with no chance of returning.

Third, never give your children a credit card and the keys to your car at the same time – that is unless you give them the proper instruction. These instructions should include phrases like “don’t spend over $100,” and “I’ll hunt you down until my dying days.”

Research has shown that a teenager makes good decisions when they drive alone. Add one friend in the car, and their judgment-making skills drop 13 percent. Add two friends and it drops another 15 percent. Add two friends and a credit card and your teenager becomes a blithering idiot with access to obscene amounts of your money.

These children have cost us enough already. Let’s don’t compound it with interest.

Fourth, put a padlock on the refrigerator. Need I say any more? No, I didn’t think so.

Fifth, you may think putting your teenager on your cell phone plan is a prudent idea (just in case they have a flat tire on the highway late at night in the middle of nowhere, you say), but you’re just deluding yourself. What you are really doing is giving them permission to be in the middle of nowhere on some highway late at night. And is that what you have in mind? Of course not.

And finally, never admit to their face that they have a mind of their own. If you do, they will try to find it using your car, cell phone and credit card, while munching on the bag of Peanut M&Ms you were saving for yourself. And when they find their own mind – which they most certainly will do – they will engage it with reckless abandon without regard to life as we know it.

I wish I could offer words of encouragement – like everything will be fine in the assisted living facility our children will eventually put us in – but I can’t and you wouldn’t respect me if I tried.

The only thought that keeps me smiling is the fact that one day this too shall happen to them. And the relentless Circle of Life will keep on turning.

Tracy Farr is a teacher living in East Texas and drives a school bus for the fun of it. In his spare time he plays the banjo, but never on Thursdays. You can reach him at tracyfarr@stinkycreektexas.com or read more of his stories at www.stinkycreektexas.com.